Responses to Parent-Child Dynamics

Rather than seeking to develop a mature and healthy view within the other person, the person in the child role can choose to remain a victim. Adults trapped in a parent-child relationship with another adult can feel a sense of powerlessness and depression. When someone sees themselves as victim in a parent-child dynamic despite being an adult, they can also respond in anger.

When responding in anger, they may seek to strike back in revenge. Parents in the parent-child dynamic may also strike back when the “child” steps outside of their approved social script.

Solutions That Work and Those That Don’t

In “Games People Play” by Dr. Eric Berne, mind games are described as a series of games with predictable patterns of behavior. In Transactional Analysis, each response in the game is a transaction. These games allow each party to vent their emotions or reinforce existing roles, but rarely resolve the underlying conflict. In mind games, whoever returns to the adult role first or remains calm throughout is deemed the winner or “OK” while the loser is deemed “not OK”.

In “See What You Made Me Do”, the adult blames the “child” for whatever happens, blaming the other party for their own actions. In "Now I've Got You, You Son of a Bitch", the child or victim looks for any minor mistake with which to brow-beat the adult as not really superior. In “I Told You So”, the child or victim attempts to act in an adult capacity, such as making their own decisions without consulting the parent.

When there is a set back or a mistake, the “parent” then criticizes the child and tells them that failure was the expected outcome of their attempts to grow into an adult ego state. The adult then uses this as source of pain or point to guide the “child” back into accepting a subservient role.

(This section contains examples on the subject matter.)